Sucker.

There’s a sucker born every minute.

This phrase was first attributed to PT Barnum, best known for founding Barnum College, an all-female school on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Coincidently, he then went on to create a company specializing in non-prescription, black rimmed glasses, thus proving the unholy alliance between Big Circus and Big Eyewear.

But to be fair, PT Barnum never used the oft quoted colloquialism (everything else we just lied about was the absolute, unabashed, honest to God truth).

However, the time frame - circa mid-1800s - is pure, speculative gold.

And as a result, we must adjust for inflation.

A sucker born every minute…? We here at British Balls, are not so sure.




By simple misuse of the quadratic equation, one can clearly see that, these days, the ratio is far closer to fifty suckers born to every minute experienced. And furthermore, if you take into account that there are 250 people born every minute, a stark, frightening, and dangerously gullible scenario begins to play out.





…One fifth of the minute-to-minute population is, in fact, a sucker.

Yes, the implications are horrifying.

Here you were, innocently walking aisles of Wal-Mart, marveling at your choice of a post-toast warming machine, twelve-pack of unbreakable ‘tato-skinners, and jar of invisible trilobite juice, all for less than $31.67… And suddenly, it hits you: Someone you know or love might very well, despite all evidence to the contrary, be a sucker.

But what can one man do when besieged by suckers at all angles?

The answer is simple:







We GA-RON-TEE it!







...GA-RON!