Long.

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A unit of measurement spanning the length of an entire John Silver.










Avast!

Quick.

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Back in America’s Old West, men were enterprising, women wrestled bears, and guns had surpassed Indian rape as our nation’s most cherished past time. Firearms were all the rage, and conflict resolution without the acrid scent of gunpowder was considered an insult to the intelligence and vital organs of every man, woman and child. With such heavy artillery abounding, the Old West was soon home to just two types of folk: the Quick and the Dead.

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Unbeknownst to most historians (see all historians) there was a brief period of time (circa 8:15 am) when the Old West was inexplicably pulled out of circulation and replaced with “New” West. There are no available records to give us any insight into the reasons for this. We here at British Balls managed to get a hold of an EP release on the subject, but all it contained was a phonograph recording of Saturday Night Outhouse that skipped in the middle.

Whatever the reasons might have been, the only thing historians (see nobody) can agree on are the unfortunate results; disenchantment rapidly set in with the “New” West formula. This was chiefly due to an unforeseen shift in the population from the Quick and the Dead, to the Slow and Undead.
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Fortunately, the free market (or, in those times, the free tobacee squat-hole) responded with its usual course correction. The undead devoured the Slow, leaving the Quick to starve the Undead, allowing the Quick to turn on each other and create a fresh pallet of just plain Dead.

This was rebranded as Old West Classic, or “Classic West.” .

Today, its fiercest competitor in the market is Cowboy Zero.

Drum.

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Do you hate someone?

Does that someone have kids?

Do those kids have birthdays?
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…that’s right.

Request.

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Same as the first quest, only the items aren’t where they used to be, and death mountain has moved from Spectacle Rock to some random-ass wall.
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Hipster.

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Here’s a wee test…

True or False: I bought an iPhone thirty seconds after it hit the stores, yet I still dress as thought my last meal was a tin of baked beans and a fire-cured railroad spike.

True or False: My Scarface poster puts me on the cutting edge of hanging things up on walls.

True or False: Also, my poster of Travis Bickle.

True or False: I got that ink on my arm because (insert pathetically weak and benign story that reveals a shocking ignorance of other cultures and their spiritual customs).

True or False: I am a Mac.

True or False: My glasses have dark plastic rims, reminiscent second wave Marxists.

True or False: My individuality is best nurtured by enclaves of like-minded, similarly dressed individuals (preferably located somewhere off the Brooklyn L train in Bedford).

True or False: That homeless guy who used to live in the newly refurbished apartment building I live in now is so cool, man.

True or False: Cocaine is in? I was just using it to help me stay up nights and finish my novel (it’s about my life growing up in Greenwich Connecticut).

True or False: I know about record labels.

True or False: Adam Sandler’s first ten movies were awesome, then they just started getting old (Billy Madison… classic!).

True or False: I wrote a song yesterday.

True or False: The average time it takes me to come to a moral resolution about whether to sleep with my best friend’s lover is somewhere between three to five years after I’ve gone ahead and done it anyway. (trick question! this applies to everyone in the world!)

True or False: My idea of the perfect arcade game is one in which I get the simulated experience of murdering deer in the woods without the hassle of leaving my urban surroundings.

True or False: I so totally remind myself of Tyler Durden from Fight Club. Matter of fact, I’ve been planning to start my own fight club, because that’s totally something I’d be great at, I’ve just been busy with my song and my novel, you know… Paper Street Soap Company!

True or False: Suffering is beauty, but my anti-depressants make me feel better.

Bonus Question: If I could be any animal, I would be (a) carpenter ant, (b) song bird, (c) nurse shark, (d) worker bee, (e) my parent’s money.

If you answered True to any four of these questions, congratulations! Put on your trucker hat, don your aviator sunglasses, allow patches of unsightly hair to grow on your face, and hold onto that one black friend you have with all your might!

Quest.

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An epic journey of brogdignagian challenges and near devastating self discovery for those who are strong of body and true of spirit.
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Conversely, the painstakingly complicated act accomplishing the most rudimentary of tasks for those who smoke pot and have prominent upper gums.
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Choose wisely.

Represent.

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A Republican with massive reserves of bitterness.

(see Conservative)