Sandwich.

We’ve all heard the rumors. We’ve all noticed the bold print, splashed over the tabloids like water on Jennifer Beals. The damning photographs, telephoto lenses zeroing in on what is, to be perfectly fair, nobody’s business. Some of us even tuned into the VH1 special: BEHIND THE FIXINS.


British Balls would like to set a few things straight on the subject.


- John Montagu does not own exclusive rights, nor is he in any way responsible for the creation of sandwich. Despite the fact that this Eighteenth Century English aristocrat was one of the first to discover sandwich, it was only due to his love of cribbage. The truth is, sandwich had been playing gigs for centuries previous. Frequently at the recently defunct CBGB, often serving as opening act for the Haggadah. Though unleavened and opting for a more Indy-Rock sound (as opposed to their later, more “Clubby” hits), sandwich had little relation to the First Lord of The Admiralty who later went on to be the 4th Earl of said lunchtime classic.


In a brief, yet ghoulishly relevant digression, let it not be forgotten that Montagu’s brief stint as Postmaster General did little to aid in his bid to take credit for The Message, now scientifically proven to be the work of Grandmaster Flash.


- While several of ingredients went on to form various other groups, (hero, hoagie, grinder, and most notably, wrap) they were only able to do so with the royalties procured from their original collaboration with sandwich.


- On a similar note, rumors that wrap intends to buy out the exclusive rights to sandwich’s entire library are completely untrue. Tantalizing news, to be sure. Downright stupid, some might say. However, the ironic truth is that wrap (often confused with burrito, due to similar style, structure, and penchant for b-minor augmented power chords) has little chance of overturning the Worcester ruling of Panera Bread Co. v. Qdoba Mexican Grill.


As Judge Jeffrey A. Locke wrote in his ruling: "A sandwich is not commonly understood to include burritos, tacos, and quesadillas, which are typically made with a single tortilla and stuffed with a choice filling of meat, rice, and beans."

His stark, almost apocalyptic ruling served not only to uphold the tradition of church/state separation, but also came as a welcomed reminder of why he chose to pursue law in the first place (as opposed to a less absurd career choice, such as Cornbread Annihilator, Senior Vice President in Charge of Cuddling, or Batman).


- And, finally, Ruben Blades, well-respected Latin Jazz musician and crutch of Liberal-Leaning losers, is NOT a deliciously mouthwatering combination of corned beef, sauerkraut, Swiss cheese, Thousand Islands and rye. However, recent cannibals have confirmed that he is a deliciously mouthwatering combination of “skin, bones, muscles, intestines and other things the voices in my head demand that I eat… And Siembera is a damn good album, I don’t care how trendy or demonically carnivorous it may seem.”


… Arthur Dent was contacted for comment at his offices on the planet of Lamuella. Apparently, the Hitchhiker’s Guide was taken over by Vogons, and he had no time to comment.

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